Furthermore,
this style of sharing creates a deeper level of emotional
intimacy, which often leads to greater sexual passion.
Make a Contract
and Follow Through
It's out in the open. You and your partner have positively
communicated specific sexual desires and have made a commitment
to respond to one another. Now, it's time to make a contract,
suggests Lana Holstein, M.D., a sex expert and author of
the book, "How to Have Magnificent Sex: The 7 Dimensions
of a Vital Sexual Connection."
Holstein, who
also leads sexual workshops at Canyon Ranch in Tucson, Ariz.,
says that often the problem isn't communicating desire as
much as acting on it. The fatigue and grind of daily life
bury even the best sexual intentions.
Calling the contract
"a deal for sexual wealth," Holstein counsels
couples to create a "good sex division" of their
relationship. Put down on paper what the two of you want
sexually. For instance, you may decide that one of you gets
to call the shots for the next month. The partner responsible
for initiating sex is also in charge of making the encounter
happen.
For the contract
to work, you need to be able to begin an encounter from
a low level of desire. It's like exercise, explains Holstein.
You don't always want to do it, but once you start working
out, you're pleased you did. "We don't always feel
'in the mood,' but usually after we're . . . into it, we're
glad to be there and often relieved," she says.
After one month,
discuss how the contract is working, which experiences were
pleasurable, which taught you something, and which didn't
work. Then you can decide to extend or modify the original
agreement—and perhaps add penalty clauses for not
following through.
Resolving Desire
Discrepancy
Once you get the communication and contract going, you are
likely to discover that all-too-common problem—desire
discrepancy. It occurs in couples of all ages, and contrary
to what you might think, it isn't always the man whose sex
drive is higher than the woman's. Particularly at midlife,
a woman may be coming into her own sexual power just as
her man may be feeling less aggressive in sexual relations.
A shift in desire
between partners isn't necessarily a problem unless one
person feels frustrated or rejected. That's usually the
high-desire partner because he or she is doing the initiating
yet being sexually scorned.
Learn Your Partner's
Language of Love
Pat Love has specific suggestions to help low- and high-desire
partners improve their lovemaking. Topping her list is learning
your partner's language of love. This gets to the heart
of what arouses your partner, and it's often more subtle
than sexy underwear for him and chocolate and roses for
her.
Love gives this
example: Tom would like to make love once a day, whereas
Sue is satisfied with once a week. What might soften Sue
and make her more responsive to Tom's desire for more frequent
sex? Tom needs to become an expert in creating desire in
Sue.
What
Tom may not be aware of is that there is a connection between
Sue's desire and her day-to-day life. She often claims to
be too tired for lovemaking because of the kids. But suppose
one evening Tom says to Sue, "I'll take the kids for
an hour so you can relax and do whatever you want."
