Ask any couple
in a long-term relationship about their sex life and you're
bound hear something along the lines of, "It's not
as hot as it used to be, but I guess it's still pretty good."
Waning sexual
passion over time is the norm for every couple, says Pat
Love, Ph.D., the author of "Hot Monogamy" and
"The Truth About Love". But the change in desire
is usually different for each person.
Desire discrepancy—when
one partner has a greater sex drive than the other—is
what emerges about 18 months into a relationship, when you're
out of the infatuation stage, claims Love. This imbalance
is why sex often goes from hot to cold in committed relationships.
Luckily, differences
in sexual desire can be resolved and you can reenergize
your sexual connection. The key is to appreciate and respond
to "your partner's language of love," asserts
Love, because "the way to get what you want is to give
what your partner desires."
Communicate Your
Desire
But first, you have to be able to talk about sex, and that's
where couples often hit a brick wall, says Susan Townsend,
director of the Relationship Enrichment center in Towson,
Md.
Many of us have
a hard time communicating about this difficult topic, so
we say nothing or we say it in a negative way that closes
off communication.
Townsend offers
this example: Perhaps what you truly desire is more kissing
during foreplay, so you say, "You know, you never really
kiss me enough." That is not a desire; it's a criticism.
The wording of desire might be, "I've been thinking.
Instead of jumping into sex it would be really nice to spend
more time kissing first."
The technique
is to identify the desire behind every criticism and express
it using the language of "rather than" and "instead
of," says Townsend, who leads Hot Monogamy sexual workshops.
"You wouldn't believe the leap in sexual communication
when people start saying, 'Instead of doing...I'd rather
you do...'" she reports.
After you state
your sexual desire in a positive way, your partner validates
what you've said by repeating it—without editing.
You make corrections until he/she gets it right. Then you
thank your partner for hearing you and ask if she/he is
willing to change to meet your desire. Your partner may
reply with a "yes" or "no" or agree
if certain conditions are met.
Using
this communication technique, also known as "mirroring,"
may not always result in what you want, but you'll have
a much better chance of getting your desires met if you
learn to transform your criticisms into requests and pay
attention to receiving from, and giving to, your partner.