This
generosity might cause Sue to feel a surge of love for Tom,
creating an atmosphere in which sex can ignite. For Sue,
Tom's act is foreplay.
"You
have to honor the reality and experience of the other,"
says Love. "You have to jump in there and respond to
the cues; you have to find out what says, 'I love you' to
your partner."
Practical
Tips for the High-Desire Partner
In "Hot Monogamy", Love gives the following suggestions
to help restore the balance between high- and low-desire
couples. If you're the one with high sexual energy.
Accept
the fact that your partner may need extra stimulation to
become fully aroused.
Refrain from deliberately heightening your level of desire;
this will exaggerate differences in desire.
Honor your partner's sexual preconditions about lovemaking.
Consider satisfying some of your purely physical needs through
masturbation.
Redirect some of your sexual energy.
Don't confuse lust with love. Your partner's low sexual
desire does not mean a lack of love. If it were, you'd see
it played out in all areas of the relationship.
Pointers for the Reduced-Desire Partner
Take
more responsibility for your sexual arousal and make room
in your life for sex (write and sign that contract!). Follow
through when you do feel in the mood and note the conditions
that drive your desire so you can duplicate them.
Be clear and reasonable about your sexual preconditions
and requests.
If you choose not to have sex, say so without feeling guilt.
If you make an effort to compromise with your partner, you
don't have to feel guilty when you say no.
Celebrate your mental desire. Your willingness to get into
your partner's frame of mind and create more desire in yourself
is a reason to rejoice.
